I don’t know how to start this post. I really don’t. All I know is I want to write about this, but I have no idea where I’m going with this.
Commitments are hard. Commitments to God seem infinitely harder. Humans simply do not like to commit – we like to have options, a plan B, C, D, and E for when circumstances change so that we can still please ourselves. We constantly live in the grey area between right and wrong because we don’t even know what it’s like to have perfect judgment. We are not sinners because we sin. We sin because we are sinners [R. C. Sproul]. We are sinners. That is our identity. As sinners, our commitment naturally is not to God, it’s to ourselves.
This week, I broke one of the commitments I made in faith to love God. A guy I had an unhealthy friendship with and had to let go of several months ago asked me out of the blue to talk. Unsure of what to do, I finally agreed, since we are called to reconcile. Ultimately, we talked, and after apologizing, he wanted things to go back to ‘normal,’ to how we used to be. But how we were was never actually normal. We should never go back to our ‘normal,’ since most of our friendship was marked by one of us having feelings for the other. So if we can’t go back to our ‘normal,’ what should we even be?
I kept asking the question of what is right and what is wrong to do in this situation. I never got anywhere until one of my mentors asked me instead, ‘What is WISE? In light of your past experience with him, in light of your current circumstances, and in light of your future hopes and dreams, what is the WISE thing to do?’ God gives us logic and wisdom for a reason, to be able to discern what His will for us is and how we can love Him and let Him be lord over each part of our lives. Our hearts don’t have eyes and ears – we can’t let our hearts make all our decisions for us when it lacks so much information, unlike our minds.
In light of my past experiences with him, it wouldn’t be wise to get so close to him again, knowing how our closeness was what caused this problem in the first place. In light of our current circumstances, we live in different cities for most of the year anyway. Thinking in terms of my future hopes and dreams was what really hit me and convicted me. After all we’d been through, I don’t think he’s the one. And if he’s not, what kind of relationship could I have with him that I could possibly justify to my husband someday, assuming we were still friends at that point?
Choosing God means not choosing myself. It is to die to myself. He must increase, but I must decrease [John 3:30]. As much as I want him to be in my life again the same way, that would be me acting as lord over my own life making that decision. It wouldn’t be wise; it would be impulsive and doomed to the same disaster that ended our friendship the first time. Loving God is loving His people, and loving this guy means to keep my distance again, although not completely and coldly just shutting him out this time. Love hurts. I hope it’s worth it.
Indeed, I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have suffered the loss of all things and count them as rubbish, in order that I may gain Christ. [Philippians 3:8]